How we grow, and how we hope to grow

12 Jan

I feel fortunate and grateful every time I think of the excellent mommy friends I made in Doha – friends who share the same parenting values, making play dates so infinitely easier knowing that we set similar limits and allowances for our children. Now that we are back in Taiwan, I am experiencing some reverse culture shock. While we came expecting some approbation for our ‘scantily’ clad infants, what I was not expecting was how evolved many young parents are becoming, and how much I now notice some correlation between parenting and child behavior. I am also starting to get a feel for how the ‘traditional’ method of Taiwanese parenting and our school system may have an adverse effect on the long-term perspectives of children and teenagers. It is both fascinating, and worrying.

On to anecdotal evidence:

1. The aggressive-passive child After several days of delightfully healthy and varied Asian food, we decided we had enough virtue to go to McDonald’s. This McDonald’s I recalled had a fine soft-play climbing gym. It has, to my surprise, been replaced by a digital interactive floor game. The program is far too fast and busy for my (increasingly austere) taste. But Knox and Quin enjoyed stomping around busting projected balloons and whatnot. An older child was playing there as well. He seemed to not notice Knox and Quin at first.

Later, a game came on where the goal was the step on the eggs while birds flew around. He started pushing Knox because he wanted to step on all the eggs in a nest himself, calling: “You should step on the birds! Don’t step on the eggs!” (he didn’t bother Quin because she was just stomping about rather aimlessly). Knox came over to us crying. He appeared bothered that someone was being aggressive. Mike told him that “If someone is pushing you, just push back.” Which Knox went back and did, but he appeared to be not enjoying it at all: he seemed to be crying more because he had to push the other kid to defend himself.

Mike stood up and went to sit in the middle of the floor, at which point the child got up and left. He came back when Mike moved to the margins. Starting pushing again. Mike sat closer. The child went to his parents.

Mike was very upset that the child’s parents were not there to intervene. I was more upset at myself that I did not know what to do in this situation.

While parents generally believe the sun shines out of their children’s bottoms, I really do believe that Knox’s stressed crying when he pushed the other child back comes from a reluctance to deal violence as well. I do not want that sentiment to go away, but I was momentarily frozen – I did not know what to do. How can you preserve the peaceful nature of a child while teaching them to defend themselves? How can you also give a stranger’s child the opportunity to practice peaceful ways of interaction? I know that violence only begets violence. And I have done ‘walking away’ with Knox from violent children before. But I do not feel that that is the solution. Walking away from this child will not be helpful to him in any way. He obviously craves being alone to have the game to himself. He is so isolated he does not see the value of the company of this other child. What he needs is the ability to connect with other children.

You may think right now I am making a mountain out of a mole-hill. But putting aside the fact that I was not happy that the child he was hurting was my own, and the morals of picking on those who are younger. I do not consider such behavior normal.

It is not normal; it should not be considered normal that a child will devise a twisted logic to justify his actions of actual aggression. It should not be considered normal that a child will, at his young age, feel the need to be less than honest with himself. And it should not be normal that the child is so fixated on winning all of a game (that is designed for several children to play together), that he cannot see the value in another child.

I have seen some different forms of violent children. Some because they do not know their own strength, some because they do not seem aware of what they are doing, some have an irresistible urge that they need to learn to grow out of… this is slightly different. This appears to be a child who feels the need to hide his intentions and sense of rejection. A child who is afraid of adults but will pick on someone smaller. This child could be over-fatigued and out of his mind. But I feel that he needs positive connection with others, to develop his sense of self and honesty with himself.

It is a pity that children’s rejecting behaviors because of some inner need actually cause us to react in a way that exacerbates the situation. We walk away. We criticize and we punish. And those who need the most love are even more isolated than before. I feel that I will eventually learn how to react in this situation. I know I must. Right now I am not there yet. Any suggestions?

Update 11th Feb, 2015: Found this article that seemed pertinent to this situation. I suppose there is not much we can do when it concerns someone else’s child, but to protect ours.

(other anecdotal evidence, to be continued…)

Please don’t sell me your fantasies, I want to make my own

29 Aug

Knox is a very sweet child. He will consider everything I say to him. Even commands of things he dislikes “You have to brush your teeth.” he will consider if I insist enough, or word it right.

I have never felt very comfortable with telling children fantasies. As stories, yes, but fantasies, no. Even before I knew of Montessori.

I was always greatly impressed with adults who can go up to children and with great assurance spin the most outrageous nonsense. I felt they must have an extremely theatrical spirit. If a child related to me their fantasies, I would look at them, slightly frightened, somewhat interested, and allow them to go on. I would try to tease out the truth in their tales, with questions; why they would wish to say these things that are completely unrelated to reality – perhaps some of it is related to reality? These are so called cases of children who are repressed and find outlets in imagination. But the children who are most eager to tell tales tend to be those who are healthy, hale, with generous parents, instead of (as in stories) the poor and downtrodden. Even Sarah Crewe, the virtuous-despite-being-pampered-and-indulged, dropped her fantasies of her doll once she became poor. In fact, if you listen, their tales are always based on something, rarely completely original. They are part and parcel of tales told to them, or shown to them. I cannot profess to have met one who, before puberty, has created truly original stories.

And now that I have my own child, I feel even more strongly that I cannot bring myself to tell him tales, to speak of fairies and goblins and even witches as truth. You see, he believes me when I tell him the names of animals and what they do, he believes me when I show him dinosaurs, even if he will never see one alive. He will believe me if I tell him of leprechauns. And for me to do that, I feel, would be betraying this trust he has in me.

Perhaps part of the reason is that I myself was never regaled consistently with fairytales from a young age. I only began to hear of such things when I first came to the US, around the age of 5 or 6. Of course there would have been the odd Hans Christian Anderson before that, but his stories are nearly always short and never wove a world, and one can safely ignore the talking animals. For when a child comes across a real goose, he/she quickly finds it a dumb animal. It cannot possibly converse like a human, but it has no need. You see, a goose in real life, with it’s rather large bosom, small smooth white feathers all over, and vicious little eyes, is so far removed from the affable and often silly creatures in the stories, that the sight of one immediately dispels the vision of the other.

So when I first heard of fairies, I was past the age of being inculcated. And however much I tried later on to believe in magic, however much I wished and willed it, I could not bring myself to believe in it. You know why I must believe in it: The prime creed of magic, as illustrated by Peter Pan’s Tinkerbell, is that you must believe in it first, for it to be true. Fairies only live if children believe in them. As an adult now on the other side, you can see what absolute nonsense this is, and can even call it entrapment. But then you would be relegated, in the stories, to the gruff and sadly out-of-it Mr. Darling.

I wonder if this gullibility is something you’re born with. This trust in the mystic. I have the greatest faith in humanity, for this reason I feel passionate about education. I believe that anyone of average intelligence can, in the right environment, grow into reasonable, loving, productive individuals. I believe that even the gullible can have their minds fortified with a good appreciation of the scientific method, perhaps a foray into the fields of research, a healthy, stress-free dose of the humanities at an early age to spark curiosity and the joy of learning. A sound, inquiring mind is possible. I believe there are those who, naturally, will find it difficult to believe in things simply told to them, even under such indefectible constructs as that narrated above (“Faith first is necessary”).

Should I convince Knox of santa now, he will eventually (my guess is around the ages of 8~10) come to realize the falsehood. And oh, when he does, how the trust will crumble in the other things! Perhaps even religion!

where hope for man continues

28 May

There are gentle giants among us

whose height we do not see

who haul the great work of our civilization

and tend the gardens of our humanity

We hope to see them often

we long for ones to laude

but the gentle giants among us

their worth is in their love

their work is quiet tending

they do not long for thrones

but all their wish and yearning

is in the others height

And to grow a human is to

let yourself subside

so that we are not aware

when we’re tended, by and by

Who are these giants, that save us

from the chaos of our vice?

How do they rise? What made them be?

Where is the gentle giant in me?

I have a dream

17 Jan

Ihaven’t written on this blog for a while, and that is because I’ve been engrossed in the Montessori method. It’s an educational theory based on scientific observation of children. The goal is to help foster peaceful, independent learners and thinkers. So far in this journey in life, I have never met with something, however much I support it, that I agree with 100%. I am surprised to say that I think : Montessori could be it.

Today I was pushing a double stroller with our 2 year old and 5 month old in it, along the fine fair winter Doha weather. The roads are under construction, and there are a lot of too narrow sidewalks and makeshift bridges. Time after time, strangers would come up and help me carry the stroller over the bad spots. I thought of my husband at work, how he was doing, how nice it would be to concentrate on adult work and contributing to a community, and how nice it is being with our kids. And I was struck with an image of what the world could look like – what do you think it could look like, if children were more a part of our world.

If they could work alongside us.

If we designed all our public areas and homes to be also accessible to children.

If all parents could take their children to nursery where they worked.

If what we consider part time hours are regular hours, and the pay adequate for both parents to work, and have plenty of time to be with their children as well.

This is a video of Montessori classroom moments. It illustrates the beauty of a proper environment, in which you can almost hear the child humming with happiness from their purposeful activities.

I don’t think I can quite put in words precisely what it feels like. But I would like to be a part of making that a reality.

If enough of us hold a vision in our heads, we can change the course of humanity.

Should I let my child use an iPad? A response

15 May

Originally posted on When the diaper leaks:

Recently read this article from Children’s MD blog. They usually have very good posts, but I disagree with this mom doc’s opinion on allowing children to use ipads.

Children’s short attention span and immature working capacities often make it difficult for adults to do the tasks that need to be done. Offering them a distraction may seem like the way to go. I am sure there are electronic programs/apps that are quite good, I have simply not met any yet that I have found truly challenging in a way that has helped me learn in a lasting manner.

As archaic as it is, our minds are used to learning by doing, by feeling the rough grooves in the alphabet blocks….etc. Children feel and remember these sensations much more strongly than we as adults do. It is the building blocks of their memory and their connection to our world and humanity…

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To my friend (from the past, whom I still recall with fondness)

2 Feb

I remember you, again

my old friend, a stranger

across the spider’s universe

a woman, a speaker

of undefine-able beauty

and exquisite love… you say

your troubles are borne from life, and men

or one, who does you ill, yet I recall

the strength of your voice, in the darkness

luminescence strong

defying the laws of common energy, you shine, and yet

you will not admit it. Oh, I do not even

remember your name, now that the door

to that era is closed. But I pray, if I pray,

to no god that will listen, but one that is borne

on the wings of good will, and kindred spirits, that

you thrive, and live, a peaceful life

perhaps no more words of eloquent pain will you spin

but that means you are ok

and the troubled times are behind us.

2 Feb

Originally posted on The Idealogue:

Dear Ms. Hussey,

I was reading your paper ‘Are Social Welfare Policies ‘Pro-life’? And I have a question concerning the distinction of the efficacy of the policy.
I believe there is a distinction between basic welfare and more advanced social assistance. As in: there may be stages in women’s economy of their choices that can be reflected by the amount, and kind, of social assistance available.

Hypothesis of stages:
1. Women who do not regularly use contraceptives (reflection of lower access/awareness or greater masochism) who do not abort due to lack of abortion resources and/or hope for planning of future (such as Emily Oster’s study of how awareness of AIDS does not lower risky sexual behavior due to low prospective of future life quality in certain communities )

2. Women who do not regularly use contraceptives but abort to increase future prospects.

3. Women who regularly use contraceptives and…

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How I feel about race

1 Feb

Brent Staples, a writer at the New York Times, said that he whistles classical music when walking on the streets at night – to assuage the fears of white people. It sounds funny… and sad at the same time, that even today being black in America still provokes fear or loathing in (what should be) ordinary white strangers. However, I cannot be too quick to judge – I found my own shoulders tightening when traveling in the more ‘predominantly black’ communities of NYC.

Being ethnically Asian, I do feel that I am better off than my darker skinned peers, who are clearly distinguished, and frequently emotionally discriminated, upon sight. In several studies, doctors have been shown to diagnose and prescribe medication with racial bias… until asked to reconsider whether race had influenced their decision. Time and again in the justice system, racial bias has put more African Americans in jail than normal conviction rates would suggest. (In this article, authors Lilienfeld and Byron suggest ways to prevent that).

Xenophobia is ingrained. In his book The Third Chimpanzee, Jared Diamond cites studies that show people who grew up among mono-ethnic societies frequently find difficulty later on in life to distinguish individuals from different races. Thus my favorite Stormfront quote “…besides, [Asians] all look the same.” I have the same difficulty: growing up in two different communities – one predominantly Taiwanese and one predominantly White (with some Hmong), I frequently have difficulty distinguishing one black person from another. In the beginning of dating a black boyfriend, I had some trouble picking his face out from his friends at first, which I covered up with myopia. Xenophobia is ingrained, but not impossible to overcome. With time, it is possible to rewire your brain to see these distinctions, as I had.One seems to need to be continuously reconditioned, however, when taken out of the environment again. Such as: When I see Bollywood posters, I still cannot readily tell that the leading female is a different one in the other movie, despite being able to do so while I was in India for a month.

Diamond also mentions studies that show we have a preference to mate (and marry) people who look like the people we grew up with, which may be why mixed children (and communities, chicken and egg?) are still not as prevalent in such a diverse country as the U.S. as one might expect from random mate choice.

In dealing with the dilemma of my natural biases, I may overcompensate: When narrating incidences in my life, I am intensely focused on not mentioning race, or descriptive words relevant to race, instead focused on obliterating the need to mention race at all. On ‘my own people’ or Eastern Asians I am less concerned, and readily make distinctions between Chinese, Taiwanese, Korean and Japanese. However, I do not make clear distinctions when it comes to Filipinos, Indonesians, Islanders…etc. Besides knowing less about them from a cultural perspective and feeling the need to tread cautiously on such distinctions, Taiwan is a place where many migrant workers come from these nations, and they are frequently discriminated against, which makes me more cautious not to do. In actuality, some of my friends may find this disrespectful, as they may feel they are quite proud as a Filipino or Indonesian. For me, I change the tact according to listener… if I suspect that my distinction of the nationality may make my listener think less of the subject, I would do away with such national distinctions altogether, instead saying that he/she is a ‘foreigner’, and or qualifying a description of them with the great things that they do.

In a way, rewording the narration in this manner has helped me see strangers in a different light, and helped me realize that I still frequently function by racial biases – without being aware of it. As in many things, it takes work to overcome yourself and live consciously.

The Morality of Environmental Destruction

31 Dec

Am still reading Jared Diamond’s The Rise and Fall of the Third Chimpanzee, and still enjoying his brutally measured logic. Here I found passages concerning our understanding of how past humans behaved towards the environment (contrary to what we understand of some tribes, many destroyed their environments) and how to consider the issue from a moral standpoint. I believe it is vital to make this differentiation.


(…) Today, environmentalists view people who exterminate species and destroy habitats as morally bad. Industrial societies have jumped at any excuse to denigrate pre-industrial peoples, in order to justify killing them and appropriating their land. Are the purported new finds about moas and Chaco Canyon vegetation just pseudo-scientific racism that in effect is saying, Maoris and Indians do not deserve fair treatment because they were bad?


In a previous passage, Diamond mentioned how the disappearance of several large land animals from North and Latin America and New Zealand coincided with the migration of Indians and Maoris to these lands.


What has to be remembered is that it has always been hard for humans to know the rate at which they can safely harvest biological resources indefinitely, without depleting them. (…) By the time that the signs of decline are clear enough to convince everybody, it may be too late to save the species or habitat. Thus, pre-industrial peoples who could not sustain their resources were guilty not of moral sins, but of failures to solve a really difficult ecological problem.


Tragic failures become moral sins only if one should have known better from the outset. In that regard there are two big differences between us and eleventh-century Anasazi Indians – those of scientific understand, and literacy.


And among his proposed solution:


Archaeology is often regarded as a socially irrelevant academic discipline that becomes a prime target for budget cuts whenever money gets tight. In fact, archaeological research is one of the best bargains available to government planners. All over the world, we are launching developments that have great potential for doing irreversible damage, and that are really just more powerful versions of ideas put into operation by past societies. We cannot afford the experiment of developing five counties in five different ways and seeing which four counties get ruined. Instead, it will cost us much less in the long run if we hire archaeologists to find out what happened the lasat time, than if we go on making the same mistakes again.


(…) the American Southwest has over 100,000 square miles of pinyon and juniper woodland that we are exploiting more and more for firewood. Unfortunately, the US Forest Service has little data available to help it calculate sustainable yields and recovery rates in that woodland. Yet the Anasazi already tried the experiment and miscalculated, with the result that the woodland still has not recovered in Chaco Canyon after over 800 years. Paying some archaeologists to reconstruct Anasazi firewood consumption would be cheaper than committing the same mistake and ruining 100,000 square miles of the US, as we may now be doing.

I found it particularly poignant as he mentioned Greece. In movies concerning the region, particularly from Jesus stories, you would not think that it is possible for such an arid area to sustain Israeli population as it was purported to do: allowing for religious factions to develop and young men to forgo their trades in order to follow prophetic figures, most notably Jesus of Nazareth. Such movies depict the landscape in that area as it is today. But biblical entries suggest a far more lush terrain, one of ‘milk and honey’ which allowed for the excesses of King Solomon and foreign tribes to pay tribute from as far as Ethiopia. Watching a food travelogue recently, I was also surprised to see how arid and sparse (vegetation-wise) modern-day Greece appeared. When you match it up with stories concerning the Roman empire: how the grains were able to be carried abroad in battle to sustain their fighting troops. Something is definitely off. The idea he put forth is this: That these great empires, the cradle of civilization, was so devasted ecologically by its inhabitants that they crumbled; and today we see only the shadow of what it was, because the environment that was there to allow such kingdoms to flourish are no more.


Today, Israel has become a food net exporter in the region due to energy intensive techniques such as drip-farming and concentrated chemical fertilization. Technology that was not available at that time. The fact that much of that energy and fertilizer comes from petroleum should strike fear into our hearts: that our means to keep back the consequences of our way of using land could very well be used up within the next century.

Logical Genocide

28 Dec

I started following Israeli-Palestinian conflict news since High School. At the time, post furor of 9-11, a great deal of attention was put on the middle east, particularly the negative and extreme. I was intrigued by the complexity of the situation, the conflicts between the tribes, the wide spread of Islam and how the different sects held sway over the hearts and minds of the people living in Islamic communities. I wanted to understand if there were ways to reach peace. Around the same time, I came across a book called The Iron Wall: Israel and the Arab World, which was written by an Iraqi-born British/Israeli historian based on diplomatic correspondence from the released archives of Israeli history, drawing a long saga since the post WWII founding of Israel. It helped me understand the diplomatic environment at the time, the different roots that spun into the form of the conflict it is today, and battle of wills within the Israeli government that shaped a (throughout 50 years) basically consistent policy of strong defense and pre-emptive offense.

Prior to reading the book, I had many sympathies for Israel. My family raised us Christian and I whiled my incredibly bored Sunday mornings in church away reading the bible, front to back, several times. This proud people that was handpicked by god, that overcame slavery and successfully conquered cities during their long years of wandering so that they finally came to settle in a land they were promised. This people who were scattered to the winds by the Roman empire and faced one of the most well-documented massacres in recent history. There may not be time in our primary school educations to learn about the extermination of the Tasmanians, the Cherokee trail of tears, the U.S. puppeteering of Latin America…etc. But there was definitely time, and plenty of material available, for learning about the Holocaust. I’m not saying that it isn’t a vital story. The message of “Never Again” should never be far from our hearts. But the pervasiveness of this story as (frequently) the only story on genocide that a primary student learns doesn’t help us comprehend the diversity of genocide in other situations, facing different people of different races, cultures and disparity of economic or political situations… or even help us contemplate the possibility that: the the victims could someday act as the perpetrators.

So before I understood the history of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, the triumphs of the 6-day war struck a thrill to my heart. After reading the history, I felt less sure of where I stood, but vastly more sympathetic towards the Palestinians.

Back to today. I feel that there are solutions. I feel there are measures that can be taken to foster peace. I feel that it is possible either for Israel to integrate Palestinians into their nation and offer them equal rights, or recognize Palestine and halt illegal settlements and pestering/blockading methods that continuously open up new sores. I believe it is still possible for Palestinians to gradually mend their wounds and lose their hatred of the Israelis, that it can be possible, with a healthier environment, for the Palestinians to form a democratic government that can best represent their interests.

But with every single peaceful solution that is out there, there are always voices that disagree. You can say that the hatred has run too deep. That mainstream Israelis are have conflict fatigue and just want to live their lives in prosperity. That Palestinians have standing-down fatigue and cannot see how giving one more inch could serve them well. The central issue of the conflict is one that is impossible to solve without a compromise: that the Palestinians want to reclaim the orchards and wells of their ancestors, and the Israelis want that too.

What can the final solution to the conflict be? I once asked the Israeli representative to Taiwan on a campus speech why the Israelis are blockading Gaza. He gave me a long-winded answer the justified the blockade and bombing based on the idea that “What the western media never shows you are the many missile attacks on the borders that take Israeli lives. We are tired of this. We believe it must stop.”

Does Palestinian attacks justify Israeli counter-attacks? Here is a 2000~2012 August statistic on the Israeli v.s. Palestinian deaths:

What does this statistic show you? I believe it shows the final solution that hawkish factions of Israeli parliament has been pushing for in recent decades: a gradual genocide. This is part of the reason for the blockade: so it is impossible for tourists and reporters to see this taking place. This is why, after repeated petitions and protests both by the International community and Israeli citizens, the Israeli government still refuses to take strong action when it comes to settlements. Push the Palestinians off the land; plan public roads and facilities through their orchards, that have to be cut down, to starve them out; make every single attack on an Israeli life an excuse for ‘retaliation’ and ‘investigation’ and kill more of them off. Call the extra deaths ‘collusion with terrorists’ or ‘collateral damage’ or ‘brainwashed children’.

Two years into the blockade, I came across a film of an orphaned little girl wandering among the debris that used to be her home and neighborhood. Rebuilding efforts have been difficult due to the fact that it is hard to get materials into Gaza. She spoke of hating the Israelis. That when she grew up she would kill the Israelis. Looking at her surroundings, I do not think her sentiments required brainwashing to have formulated.


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